IDGAF/S

My International Women's Day thoughts...

I attended an event the evening of International Women’s Day this week. It was a lovely event, put on by two local women who wanted to gather a room full of women open to connecting with new people and in their words “catalyzing those connections.”

I said yes to this event, because a few friends were also going and honestly, with our busy lives, we will look for any excuse to hang out whenever we can. We sat together and drank wine, had yummy charcuterie, and talked, and all in all it was a very lovely evening.

BUT… (oh come on, you knew a but was coming)

Maybe because I’m at a different stage in my life ( the Idris Elba IDGAF one), and also maybe because I am becoming progressively deaf (and really need to do something about that), but this kind of event, 80 people in a room with everyone talking all at once, hurts my brain and is not the ideal setting for me to make great connections. It is impossible for me to have a decent conversation with anyone unless the person I am talking to is directly in front of or beside me, and even then with the ambient noise around us, I am forever asking them to repeat themselves and missing parts of what is being said. I waited until the room practically cleared all the way out before I made an effort to talk to and meet any new people.

One of the activities at the event was to write ourselves a note that the organizers are going to mail to us in 90 days. The note is a commitment to what we are going to do to catalyze change for ourselves and others. We wrote these notes on beautiful postcards with a Frida Kahlo quote on it.

“at the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can”

If you know me at all, you know I love Frida Kahlo. I think she was a genius and she DID endure a lot, and she lived in a very different time. But that sentiment on International Women’s Day, just made me mad. And it made me TIRED. As in, yes, yes, we know, women can and MUST endure so much shit every single day and just keep on going. There are mouths to feed, jobs to do, appointments to make, groceries to get, sexual harassment and rape to avoid, men’s feelings to placate, another level of glass ceiling to break through, biases (our own and those of others) to unlearn…

The list is literally endless.

And still we endure.

The definition of endure is to suffer (something painful and/or difficult) patiently.

I read a post that said at the rate we are going we won’t close the gender pay gap for another 300 YEARS. Our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughters will get paid the same as their male counterparts. That’s just GREAT, but who the fuck has that kind of patience?!

Here’s what I believe. I think we were doing well for a while, and the trajectory of the movement looked good. Women were getting hired and promoted more, many more women were getting elected to all levels of government, the voices and needs of racialized and transgender women were being listened to and understood more. Intersectionality was being embraced.

And then, a women got WAY TO CLOSE to being elected the leader of the “free world”.

I am not saying that the downfall of humankind started in 2016, but as a touchpoint in our lifetime, it is the year that will stick out the most in my mind, a sliding door moment where I often wish I could disembark on the other side of that particular train car. It was the year a man who was RECORDED saying he could “grab them by the p***y” and “do anything he wanted” was elected president of the United States, because the alternative was (GASP!) A WOMAN!

This year, I felt tokenized on International Women’s Day. SO MANY posts from brands and companies, so many “say thank you to your moms and sisters”, “tag a female friend/coworker/family/celebrity who inspires you”, too many flowery Canva posts to count. The day is losing all meaning and turning into another capitalistic Mother’s Day boondoggle. It’s a box to check on everyone’s social media content calendar, and at this point feels like it has as much meaning as National Peanut Cluster day (which, in case you are wondering, is also on March 8th).

I’ve written about this before, but I’ll say it again: women keep trying to play a game that wasn’t made for us. And when we eventually figure out the rules, get good at playing it, and start winning, the game-makers just move the goalposts. They legislate our bodies, they ban anything (abortions, books, gender-affirming healthcare, drag shows, history…) that doesn’t fit into their strict rules of play. Rules that are there to keep them at the top and women always running to catch up. Fuck that game!

I don’t want to shit on IWD as a whole, but I do want us all to look at what we do and say and how we show up for each other with a bit more of a critical eye on this day and every day. How we are challenging ourselves to not just make catalyzing connections with each other, but how we are turning those connections into a larger movement. Because that is what is needed. Not a day. Not a message about how much you appreciate a woman who makes your life easier.

WE NEED A WHOLE NEW WOMEN’S MOVEMENT.

This movement can start small — in your own home, in your community, on your social media pages. Share your true thoughts and feelings, not the curated versions. Change one person’s mind or way of thinking. Share what others are saying or doing, build on what is already happening within the movement, make small changes that can help others have the courage to do the same. Trust me, it works.

I will leave you with another Frida Kahlo quote. One that speaks much more to my (and I hope your) unapologetic and revolutionary heart!

“I don't give a shit what the world thinks. I was born a bitch, I was born a painter, I was born fucked. But I was happy in my way. You did not understand what I am. I am love. I am pleasure, I am essence, I am an idiot, I am an alcoholic, I am tenacious. I am; simply I am ... You are a shit.”

~ Frida Kahlo

Love you bitches!

XOXO,

N~

P.S. Happy Women’s Day/Month/Year/Lifetime!

P.P.S. Here’s a new quote from me:

you don’t have to endure SHIT, you can actually say “no, thank you” to a lot more than you think you can

~ Natasha Chiam