A reframe
for my own sanity, and maybe yours too
My whole immediate family suffers from a very serious condition. And unfortunately these Dumbfuckery times (I am not calling them “unprecedented” anymore) are exacerbating it in ALL of us.
This condition manifests first around the eyes. For my husband it is a slow blink. The kids have the kind that makes their eyes roll, seemingly uncontrollably at times. My eye symptoms involve them either turning into giant saucers or becoming squinty.
Other classic manifestations are a slow shake of the head followed by a tsk, tsk mouth sound, raised eyebrows, large and heavy sighs, and/or some kind of contortion of the lips.
While this condition doesn’t have an official name, to quote bestselling author and side-eye doyenne Luvvie Ajayi Jones, I am now calling it “Outside Voice Face Syndrome”. I don’t know if it is curable (or that we need it to be), and so far, the only treatment for OFVS is usually someone who is close enough to know the signs and can tell you, sometimes with their own face, to…
FIX YOUR DAMN FACE!
This topic (and our subsequent diagnosis) came up at dinner a few nights ago. All four of us were talking about what to do when people around you are being shitty and/or saying things that are hurtful about others—including people you know and people you don’t know but may be marginalized in some way.
We have in the past told the kids to abide by the classic, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, but given our condition and during the Dumbfuckery we are experiencing, saying nothing doesn’t always feel like the right thing to do, nor is it possible when our faces are screaming with their outside voices.
So, we are now going with a new tactic—and are using the mantra of not suffering any fools gladly—which basically means to have very little patience for people who are saying stupid things or have stupid ideas. I am fully on board with this strategy, as it aligns very nicely with my decreasing estrogen load and the few fucks I have left to give about most things. The hubs has seen the error in his ways of just not saying anything and then coming home to vent all of his frustrations at the end of the day and has started to shut down the negative nellies in his life.
The kids are a bit of a different story. I’m not sure they are fully aware of their genetic predisposition to OVFS or its budding manifestation in both of them (which coincided very conveniently with full on puberty). Social credit is a fragile thing in high school and speaking up or dissenting from the crowd is not always the “cool” thing to do. I am hoping that this discussion and our changing behaviours are modelling a way for them to have social interactions that are compassionate and empathetic, but also leave little wiggle room for people to say/do dumb shit!
To pan out a bit more on this topic, I have to tell you all something I was told a few days ago and is still stuck in my head. I was speaking with a professional about high school kids and problematic behaviours, but I think this applies to adults as well.
She told me, “Natasha, there is a difference between being popular and being powerful.”
There is a difference between being popular and being powerful.
I shouldn’t be surprised that this quote comes from one of the people I go to for a lot of advice around raising teenagers, Dr. Lisa Damour.
“Popular,” is a sociometric, denoting perceived likeability, suggesting a person is enjoyable to be around. In contrast, “powerful” suggests that others alter their behavior when around the person to reap the benefit of the social status and avoid her wrath.
I am obsessed with this concept right now. I’m looking back at the groups I have been a part of and re-examining both my role and the roles of others and how that shaped our dynamic. We all know a person who is in our minds “popular”, but if we dig deeper and examine our own behaviours around this person, is she really? Or are we either benefiting from her status or avoiding her ire. How often do we compromise our own values to “keep the peace” and go along with things because it’s less risky than dissenting.
I can’t help but also think about our current political climate and look at some of the players with this framework in mind. Dumbfucker-in-chief in the USA is a prime example. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched him profess how popular he is (he won the popular vote HUGELY—in case you didn’t know!). You can’t deny that there are plenty of folks who want to be in his presence. But to see him surrounded by people I assumed were at least somewhat smart and able to see through all his lies and blustering is hard for me to compute. With this popular/powerful reframe, it’s so obvious. There they all are, altering their behaviour to reap the benefits of his attention. Or more specifically to AVOID his acrimony. NONE of this excuses any of their behaviour, but at least for me, I can look at it/them and not lose my mind every single day.
If any of these folks suffer from Outside Voice Face Syndrome, they are doing a very good job of hiding their affliction. Because I can tell you 100%, if that was me, I would be exactly like THIS. And be escorted tout suite out of his proximity (and probably deported)!
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OVFS is why I can never be a front facing person for any politician. It is why I will be behind the scenes for the upcoming elections and supporting the Mark Carney-led Liberals in the about-to-be-called Federal Election and I-am-not-sure-who-yet in the Edmonton Elections.
Anywho… I hope we can all adopt a bit more of a We Will Not Suffer Fools Gladly attitude and keep calling out all of the dumbfuckery going on in the world. Either with our faces or our actual outside voices.
#freepalestine #transrightsarehumanrights #nohumanisillegal #slavaukraini
and most importantly
#DONTBEACUNT
XOXO
N~
Another excellent newsletter, Natasha! Thanks for such a compelling read. "Not suffering any fools gladly" is going to stick with me!
I dont appreciate the foul language. Be brilliant.